Thinking about this blog I felt like it was pertinent to give a brief background on myself….and my view on love.
As I look back on my life, there really wasn’t a point where I didn’t have a serious or long term boyfriend. Even though I never sought out relationships, they always seemed to land in my lap. 9 out of 10 times there was always a piece missing from the relationship, now I look back the missing piece was ME!
I really needed to take the time to be alone…discover who I really was. This alone time has been filled with self discovery and finding out who God created me to be. It has allowed me to grasp, for the first time in my life, the true beauty of independence. Now I am to a point where I’m extremely independent which makes me nervous. I don’t NEED a significant other, it’s merely a WANT. I want to share this amazing life with someone that treasures it as much as I do.
Let’s reverse a few years to “The One Who Got Away”….
I’m pretty sure majority of us have felt the pain of a breakup. Let’s face it…it hurts, pretty much cuts you to the core…takes your breath away when you think of the pain you have experienced. I have experienced several break ups in my day but nothing comes close to this one.
We dated for 5 years, through some of the most difficult seasons of life. We experienced a lot of highs and a tremendous amount of lows, as we were partners in crime in all areas of life. He is the one who helped me when my family deserted me, the one who pushed me to graduate college…and the one who left my heart in a million pieces.
After spending our college years together he moved to a town far away in which I was to join him in when I graduated, 6 months after his departure. After spending 5 years of your life with someone you really do become one…or so you think? He moved and I still occupied “our” home. My phone calls stop being answered, texts messages constantly became ignored, and it’s like the one who I shared my whole life with almost became non-existent. He would still keep in contact but not as consistent as it had been for 5 years prior. We rented 2 homes together, shared the love of 2 dogs, took many trips to Cabo and Colorado where we spent hours talking on our long drives. This person that I thought I knew better than myself slowly started to become a distant stranger. My heart still hurts as I type this, knowing that people come and go into our lives and the ones we thought would be a part of us “forever” are no longer a part of us… ever.
My college graduation approached and when he said he couldn’t make it deep down in my heart I thought he was going to surprise me with the biggest smile and a bouquet of my favorite flowers. Boy was I wrong. For this mans graduation I did everything, and by everything I mean the whole schabang. I took his photos for his graduation announcements, made the announcements, ordered the food to be catered, hosted the party, and cleaned it up. So for him to tell me he couldn’t make it, I really thought was a joke. My graduation came and went and he never showed up.
The week after graduation I was in a major roll over accident and totaled my SUV. I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and by the grace of God I walked away from the accident with bumps and bruises and a very sore back. The firefighters told me they had no idea how I walked away alive.
I got slapped with a dose of reality that day AND when I was least expecting it. I called pretty much every single person in my phonebook and told them what had happened and just wanted to tell them how much I loved them. He was on the list. For once he answered and we had a great conversation. At this point in my life, I have absolutely no idea what was going on in our “relationship.”
Fast forward to two weeks later, New Years Eve. I get a call from his phone number on my cell phone, which there was no question… I was going to answer it. He never called me at night anymore and I wanted to see what awaited me on the other line. To my surprise, or maybe not, there was a woman on the other end.
“Hello, who is this?” she asks.
“Uh…you’re the one who called me you should know. Who is this?”
“This is so and so’s girlfriend and why are you texting my boyfriend.”My heart sunk. If you can imagine an airplane plummeting to the ground, that was my heart….the life I had known for the last 5 years seemed so much of the past at this point. My heart, my past, my future, shattered in a million pieces… in the matter of a second, with words that cut me to the core.
“Um yeah…you’re going to need him to call me ASAP and discuss this.”
So…the next day he calls me on speakerphone with her, the new girlfriend, in the background. The conversation was a blur as was pretty much the next year . What I do remember is that he made up some manipulative lie which in turn made him look like the victor. As requested by his new girlfriend (now wife)…he deleted me off social media, out of his phonebook, and permanently out of his life. That’s the last I’ve heard of “The One That Got Away.”
I felt like this was a necessary piece to share as it really shaped who I am 6 years later. I don’t think I have ever experienced anything that hurt so deep. I experienced the pain when your heart physically hurts and there are days when you can’t breathe because you don’t know if you can live another minute.
Fast forward 6 years later…the broken woman that I once knew, who didn’t even know if she could make it through the day, stands strong and victorious and is becoming the woman that God created.
We all experience hurt. Most of us have experienced a heart wrenching break up…If you haven’t … you haven’t lived.
Looking back I know that God had me exactly where he wanted me. He didn’t want me to experience hurt or pain…He wanted me to experience independence and taking time to discover who I really was…not defined by another person.
It has been an interesting journey but I wouldn’t change it for anything.
I’ve learned a lot about who I am and the things I’m not willing to compromise. I have dated a few men since “The One Who Got Away” and they were great men, just not for me. I have faith that… the man who will hold my heart in the future… is most definitely waiting patiently for my arrival into his life as I am doing the same.
3 Important things I have learned with dating:
1) You should NEVER have to change who you are.God created you to be beautiful and unique, why should you change that?
2) It’s true…you must love yourself before anyone else can love you or invest into your soul.
3) Faith…Walking without seeing. There is nothing but greatness up ahead.
Love is an amazing emotion. It can encompass some amazing highs and extreme lows but I believe it to be one of the best parts of life that we are fortunate to experience.
This time around… I’m going to be brave.