Life… Journey or Destination?

When I think about life in general I feel like every one of us is on a journey to reach a destination.  A destination of love, happiness, wealth, contentment…the list can go on. Instead of enjoying every second of the journey, we are so consumed on reaching the destination that we often miss the most crucial and defining events along the way. Often we reach the destination but continue to long for more. Are we ever really content?

Contentment is something that I’ve struggled a lot with lately…I’m still on my journey of learning what it really is to be content with oneself. I believe this will be a lifelong journey as life is constantly changing.

I have often placed my contentment in the things that others or a circumstance provided or did not provide for me.  Instead I should have been reaching into the depths of my soul and realizing my self worth is not reliant on what others or circumstances provide.

Recently  I realized the things that I valued and treasured the most in life  I’ve allowed to fall by the wayside.  I feel like I’ve lost a sense of who I am because I’ve been so consumed on reaching the destination of life and not enjoying every second of the journey. I have chose to let other individuals dictate my feelings of happiness, sadness, helplessness, and contentment. Recently I realized I AM in control.

I got a large dose of reality lately and it has been the best medicine the soul can ask for. Sometimes it takes a life event to shake you to your core to realize who God created you to be in your entirety.

I have allowed myself to feel weak and fragile lately because of the circumstances I was faced with. I let these circumstances destroy me and I lost sense of who I really was. I was more concerned with the destination that I overlooked the journey. After seeking wise counsel I was reminded that God breathed life into me. He created me in his image to be kind, loving, compassionate, giving, genuine, and patient. I forgot that deep down I encompassed all of those traits because I’ve been so consumed in trying to create a false sense of happiness.

Today as I write this I have a feeling of excitement in me that cannot be contained.  I am ready for new beginnings. That’s the best thing about life… The past does not define us but allows us to use past circumstances and life events to bring about a better future. I am ready to enjoy this journey that God has placed me on. I want to live my life with purpose!

Proverbs 4:10-13

Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hampered; when you run, you will not stumble. Hold on to instruction, do not let it go; guard it well, for it is your life.

Understanding the Beauty of Letting Go…

I realized a few years ago that as much as I want to believe I have control of the things that happen in my life….I don’t. After reading through the bible I came to the understanding that God controls our entire lives, from birth to death.

For those of you who know me, you know I’m a Type A personality. The Wikipedia definition of Type A personality is as follows…

“Type A individuals are ambitious, rigidly organized, highly status-conscious, sensitive, impatient, take on more than they can handle, want other people to get to the point, anxious, proactive, and concerned with time management”

This definition defines me to a tee. If I could write a sentence about myself it would pretty much say what’s stated above. I’m not sure if I should be proud or ashamed but it’s who I am. I am a super task oriented person. I think the only way I graduated college is because I lived out of my color coordinated daily planner. Although I do enjoy spur of the moment things it’s more in my nature to want to plan. It makes me anxious when things are not organized or planned in advance.

With that being said I’ve been trying to control the way that I feel about Mr. E. Both my mind and heart are very interested but my mind is trying to control my heart…which I don’t think is a bad thing. My mind is made up of logic. It’s telling me to take it one day at a time, keep your guard up (not too high up, but up), don’t rush into anything, and take it slow. While my heart is saying jump in blinded because I have a feeling the outcome is going to be magnificent. So here I am stuck in the middle and trying to control how I feel…until recently.

I started to understand the beauty of relinquishing the control to God. God has my future planned out and it’s not up to me to worry. Instead of worrying about what may be or not be I’ve been praying for God’s will to be done. I can’t put into words how I feel. I’m in complete awe of how God has moved in my life. I prayed for an amazing job opportunity… he provided. I prayed to move back to my hometown to be around family and friends…. he provided. I prayed for a clean bill of health after getting my tonsils removed…he provided. I prayed for a man such as Mr. E to enter my life…and he provided.

I’ve seen Mr. E the last two days and it makes my heart happy. I was looking in his eyes last night and thinking… “In the future, I hope my heart skips a beat like it did the first day we met.” When I’m with him I feel like I’m in high school. We have innocent fun and we both really enjoy each other’s company.

I was able to meet some of Mr. E’s good friends last night who were over at his house to celebrate his birthday. It was an honor that he asked that I come over to celebrate and meet the people that were important in his life. We had a great night and laughed…for a long time.

Since I’ve realized the beauty of just letting it go it’s been great because I’m not contradicting my feelings and finally just being still in the moment. I’m enjoying each day as it comes and every day I still look forward to Mr. E’s texts, cuddles, and kisses. I feel like it’s moving fast some days but then I remember it’s all on God’s time. He intertwined our lives for a reason and I’m so grateful that he did.

To be continued…

My Journey of Faith…

My heart skips a beat when I think about my future…. My future with my career, my friends, my love life, and my new home. It’s so refreshing to see how far my faith has brought me.  Three months ago I was down on my knees asking God why he had me in the season I was in.

I had lived on my own, with a boyfriend or roommates since I graduated high school. I was completely independent for 8 years. I decided to move down to California for a fresh start and decided to live with my mom, who was more of a friend/roommate then a super visional figure. As much as I love my mom, we are completely different. I am a very positive outgoing person while she battles with internal demons on a daily. I didn’t understand severe clinical depression until I witnessed it every single day…for four years. God had brought me down to Orange County to be the sunshine in her life, the rainbow after the rain, the light to her dark. It became a very daunting and draining task that I had to step away from  for my own sanity.

Besides living with someone who was chronically depressed I had to sit in two hours of traffic a day to commute to a job I actually absolutely loved. Although California is beautiful, it just wasn’t the place for me. The mountains and lake were calling me home. The people of Southern California seemed to always be in a hurry and weren’t the most accommodating on the road. Most of the women were pretentious and most of the men thought they were God’s gift to earth. I was way out of my element.

I was fortunate to find a home church, Eastside Christian Church, which I miss more than words can say. I was so blessed to be chosen as a leader and became extremely involved in youth ministry.  I also attended my own women’s small group once a week. I think because of these experiences I was able to continue my growth process in my relationship with Jesus. These ladies became more than friends…they were my backbones and sisters in Christ. They were there when I had to take the orthodontic office to court, they were there for me during my break up, they were always there… for both good and bad.

I have to say, if I wasn’t so strong in my faith, I would have crumbled three months ago. I had one of the most routine, yet invasive and painful surgeries that any individual can have…a complete tonsillectomy. I was out of work for almost 3 weeks and I found myself starting to become depressed (which has maybe happened twice in my life). I could barely swallow or sleep and so many people asked to come see me and I just wasn’t up for it. My friends would text, call, and FaceTime and I would hesitantly respond as I was just going through the motions. I knew in my heart I needed to get away from my environment, I needed a change. I, by no means, was running from anything as some people insinuated.  I knew that there was an amazing journey on the horizon…I just needed to be still and listen. I am grateful for those 3 weeks of being forced to do absolutely nothing but read my bible, listen to podcasts, and continue to spend time with the Lord. I was able to slow down my life for once and really think about my future and where I wanted to be, who I wanted to surround myself with, and those I needed to remove from my life.

I remember walking into work one day anxiety ridden knowing I had to tell my boss that I felt the calling to move back home. As intimidating as the future seemed, I knew I had to do this. He looked at me and asked me what I was running from? I told him I had plans to move the year prior but didn’t feel it was the right timing. I am so grateful I listened to my heart and waited …Although the future looked like a fog of the unknown, God knew his plans all along.  He placed me in a career I absolutely love, I was able to adopt a dog who loves me unconditionally, and I was able to pay for a surgery I so desperately needed.

My work didn’t take me serious which really started to frustrate me. A week later I told my boss that I’m leaving with or without the job. If they thought I was as strong of an asset to the company, as they always told me, they would keep me on and allow me to work remotely. Four weeks of sleepless nights, anxiety ridden days, and uneasiness, they finally got back to me and told me they would absolutely relocate me. I fell to my knees and started crying. I KNEW in my heart that God had plans to prosper me and not harm me, to give me hope and a future. A lot of you have commended me for my faith during one of the hardest seasons and I have to give the glory to God.

In that four weeks of the unknown, I had moved out of my mom’s house because I couldn’t take the spiritual warfare and negativity another second. By the grace of God I was able to live with a friend from work and her amazing family for the month. They welcomed me and my dog with open arms and loved me when I needed love the most. My mom was so sad to see me go but she knew I had to do it for my own personal mental health. Our relationship has really been strengthened since I moved out and I am so grateful to see God working in her life currently.

While staying with my friend from work, I was able to establish a great relationship with all four of her daughters. Her daughter in middle school asked me why I wasn’t married. She said you are one of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen, and I just don’t understand how you aren’t married. She said…I think you are going to meet your future husband back home at either church or in a grocery store. Coming from the mind of a 13 year old I thought how innocent and cute that was.

Well here we are 2 months later and her innocent thought turned into reality…I did meet someone at church (well through Match, but at church…you get my drift). He is definitely different than the rest of them and I feel so lucky that God allowed our paths to cross. We flow naturally together and I’m not sure I have smiled so much in the last few months. I have enjoyed spending time getting to him and I am very excited to see what the future holds. Even if it’s not with this man, I have complete faith that God will provide. He hasn’t brought me this far to abandon me.

This my friends is proof that believing and having faith will bring you an abundance of blessings. Even through one of the hardest seasons in my life, God was always in the center. I never once lost faith of what was around the corner.

God is so good. Never lose sight of that.

When Is It Time?

So I started out this blogging journey in hopes to blog about the different dates and people that I have encountered along the way. Well… it didn’t happen that way, which I am okay with. As I mentioned in the first blog…I will either have had some amazing stories or meet someone that is worthy of me wanting to spend time with. So here we are….

The name of my blog as you all know is, “I want to be brave.” Well friends, each and every day I am working on that part internally. As much as I say I want to be brave, my heart doesn’t always comply. Fear and doubts overshadow my thought process, and I have to continually table those thoughts. On the other hand, I know that I am willing to give my heart and soul away to the right person, it may just take some time to work through.

So this brings me to my third date with the handsome man, Mr. Incredible. Incredible is a pretty strong word and before I go forth in this post I’m going to rename him to Mr. E. I am not changing the name because I don’t think he is incredible but the word incredible is an intricate title to give to someone.

Mr. E and I met at his house and decided to meet up with his roommates for dinner. I really enjoyed spending time getting to know the people that Mr. E surrounds himself with. They say that you are a product of your environment so it’s always neat to meet the friends of your potential significant other. I will be honest…every time I meet a friend or family member I feel like it’s my job to leave a good impression. It’s just who I am. I was so enthralled with talking to Mr. E’s roommate that I wasn’t spending much time showing Mr. E how interested I was. I know now, to be more cautious with my actions.

We ended up going back to Mr. E’s house and watching a movie with his roommates and falling asleep. I ended up staying the night and fell asleep in Mr. E’s arms. As strong as I am in my Christian beliefs I’m not opposed to letting life happen, which it did. I felt comfortable staying, as I had already established my beliefs and my boundaries and knew Mr. E would respect that. I can say for the first time in a long time things just felt natural and I for once, actually enjoyed another person (of the opposite sex) company.

This brings me to my next point of being guarded and when is it time to let my guard down? I have had several of you friends who read this blog tell me to just let the damn thing down already. I wish it was just that easy. I desire in my heart to be affectionate, romantical, and natural with this man but when my guard is up it’s nearly impossible to participate in any of those actions. I know it will come with time and maybe that time is now?

Mr. E asked me what the nicest thing I’ve ever done for a significant other before. I almost didn’t know how to answer it because when I’m in a relationship I feel like I do nice things on a daily. A few instances came to mind but one in particular. I will never forget the day when I surprised Dr. R., I don’t think anyone had ever made him feel more loved than me, and that was a great feeling…. Some of you may remember this… It was the day of his graduation. This wasn’t just a typical college graduation, this guy was graduating top in his class for his Doctorate in Physical Therapy. I was SO proud, I wanted to do something to make him feel SO loved. So after his ceremony I wrote down an address and told him to meet me there in an hour. I remember driving as fast as I could to the hotel to have everything all set up upon his arrival. I made him homemade chocolate covered strawberries which was quite the task if you know me! I decorated our hotel room with flowers, streamers, balloons, graduation decorations, you name it…I even decorated the mirror with his favorite bible verse and some kisses! I had a bottle of champagne chilling while I lit all the candles and started the bath tub. I bought glow sticks and put those in the bathtub to illuminate the tub and bubbles. I was rushed so my adrenaline was through the roof when he arrived. He knocked on the door and I jumped on him and gave him the biggest hug and kiss and started to cry because I was just so blessed to be a part of his special day. He started to cry when he entered the room and was shocked because no one had ever done anything so special. What an emotional day.

Even though Dr. R.and I probably would have been engaged by now and well on our way to buying a house… I just felt it in my heart that I had to end it 6 months after this day. He will always hold a special place in my heart but we didn’t have the special click I’m looking for… and I knew this from Day 1 but always tried to make it work.

So when Mr. E asked me that question I didn’t even know where to begin. It’s hard for me to demonstrate how I show my love and/or affection for someone when I’m just getting to know them. Once the flood gates have opened it’s  a whole different ball game. I want to  make someone feel loved and do special things for them the way I did for Dr. R. and “The One Who Got Away.” I thrive on loving others and making them feel loved and wanted. I always told myself I will never be with someone that doesn’t hold my hand, kiss me on my forehead, and show (not tell) me that they love me. So affection is another thing on my list I won’t compromise in a relationship.

Mr. E, up to this point, is everything I’m looking for. It’s crazy for me to type that as I didn’t believe it was possible to meet someone that met the criteria.  I always thought I would have to compromise one or two of the items on my list.

As of now I’m enjoying my time with Mr. E and taking it day by day. Each day I let my guard down a little more. It’s a shame that I have a guard up to begin with and wish more than anything I could put my whole heart into it. With time, I know that’s possible. When I love, I love with a deep unconditional love and it’s like that person is my world. This guy, may just be the one to experience this.

I think it’s time to let my guard down…because the person on the other side is more than worthy of my heart, this I know.

“It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all”

Mr. Incredible

I’m going to start this blog off by thanking those of you who are reading it. I am by no means a writer but felt my heart strings being pulled to start a blog. I love that you guys text me wondering when the next update will be posted. This makes my heart sing friends!

Where do I begin? Mr. Incredible is pretty much everything I have been looking for. Honestly, I really don’t know how to put into words how I feel. Like I mentioned in the last blog, I’m feeling a multitude of different emotions.  I am extremely excited, nervous, fearful, and happy.  I have been looking for someone to make me a better me, and I already see myself transforming. I want to get back into my gym routine and be as fit as I once was when I was doing boot camp. I started juicing again just because it was a passion of mine and something that always made me feel better physically.

I used to hate talking on the phone…pretty much dread phone calls when my ex-boyfriend would call. I can say that I most definitely look forward to talking to Mr. Incredible. For the first time in a long time I actually care to hear how someone’s’ day went and I’m actually wanting to partake in their life. Whoa….this is pretty neat but interesting as I have not encompassed these feelings in years. Even the guy I dated a few years ago for 2 years never made me feel this way. As much as I tried to make that relationship work I couldn’t force the feelings that I am feeling now.

Mr. Incredible came over the other night and we spent some time together. I know I like someone when I actually look forward to spending time together.  I was truly looking forward to seeing him all day. He came over a little later than expected but I was so excited to see his face nonetheless. When I’m with him I feel like I can be myself, I don’t have to hide under layers of who someone wants me to be. That has to be one of the most refreshing feelings in the world!

After he left I found it hard to fall asleep. My mind and heart were racing trying to determine how I felt. For those of you reading this who know me….you know it is really unusual for me to feel this way. When I’m with my best friend I can see the happiness in her eyes for me, as she was hopeless I would ever find someone that would satisfy all the checks on my checklist.

Again friends… I have no idea where this is heading but I have a feeling it is going to be good. I look forward to our date tomorrow but really just spending time with someone that makes me smile from ear to ear.

On that note…both of our online dating profiles have been deleted and I couldn’t be happier.

I Just Haven’t Met You…Yet

Or have I?

Date with Mystery Man #2…

We met at the church we both attend and I had my best friend right by my side. After the last experience, I was hesitant to meet anyone. I can’t express how happy that I followed my gut in meeting this man.

I really can’t put into words how I felt when I saw him. Like I mentioned before…If I could sketch out my dream man (looks wise)…This guy was it. We hit it off right from the beginning. Although I was kind of in a rush after church, I was intrigued and wanted to know more. We decided to meet for lunch and a glass of wine later that day.

I went home and changed and thought about how this man could potentially be different than any of the other men I have met…I was under the assumption he was no different. Wow was I wrong.

Time seriously stopped and I felt like I could talk forever. Three hours went by and the wine bar was closing and it was time for us to part ways.  He had to attend a family dinner anyway. We decided to reconvene after his dinner because we felt like there was still so much to talk about.

As I left the restaurant I found myself extremely giddy…an emotion I haven’t experienced in I can’t tell you how long. We had so much in common that it almost made me fearful. We talked about everything that life entailed from family to careers to our faith in God. As I was sitting in my chair it hit me…this is the man I’ve been praying about, eh….pretty much my whole life.

We ended up meeting up after his dinner and I honestly couldn’t wait to see him. He not only has an amazing personality but he is so on fire for God…. He is also extremely attractive. He opened up to me and told me that he prayed about meeting someone like me and boom here I was. I was so hesitant to say the same as I wasn’t trying to scare him away.

As we parted ways it just felt right that there must be a goodnight kiss to finish off our amazing evening. Normally I am SO against kissing on the first date but when the sparks are there, it’s almost impossible to resist.

As he walked away I was trying to catch my breath and replay the events of the evening.

I am a believer that nothing happens by chance. There is a reason this man came into my life. The reason is unknown at this point but I am very much enjoying where it is going. We have a few mutual friends and I know I have seen his face before. I felt like I knew him.

I am experiencing feelings that I normally don’t experience and although I am excited, I am also extremely scared. Is this the man that will obtain the key to the big red gate? Only time will tell….

I am very much looking forward to spending more time with him and seeing where God directs the two of us. Butterflies friends…Butterflies.

Could I potentially have met my future Mr. Right…on a dating website? I believe the dating website allowed our paths to cross but it was inevitable that we were going to meet in the future.

I’m Just Not That Into You

Like I mentioned, after the date with Dr. Not So McDreamy, I just wasn’t into him. My friends who know me very well, thought I was sabotaging a future with this guy so they urged me to give it a second try.

I know from experience that if I am into someone I really look forward to seeing them. The thought of meeting up with this man gave me anxiety but I agreed to a second date. We had planned on taking our dogs to the dog park and then making lunch. Prior to my arrival I continued to talk myself into having some sort of interest in this fella. Usually my gut instinct is right and this situation proved it once again.

I arrive at the doctors’ house with my dog in tote. His house was cute and clean so I continued to keep talking myself into being interested. He doesn’t hug me or really even welcome me so I decided to sit on the couch and try to spark up conversation. He pretty much ignores me by texting and screaming at the basketball game on TV. He continued to ask me to repeat what I said. I was annoyed already. Awesome start to the second date that I didn’t even want to agree to in the beginning.

After making some inappropriate comments about the women who are pursing him on the dating website I already wanted to leave. There was something about him that made me crawl in my own skin. We decided to take his car to the dog park. As I proceeded to sit in the passenger seat I noticed a sticky residue that looked like he hadn’t taken the time to clean the soda that he spilt in the console. Ew! I cannot date someone that is a slob and doesn’t take the time to keep their belongings clean.

We get to the dog park and I was already planning my escape. I had to think of an excuse to leave, and quick. I barely spoke a word at the dog park because he was either preoccupied with his phone or making inappropriate comments about how nice my butt look in my yoga pants. I finally was brave enough to tell him I had to leave after the dog park. I made up an excuse and although I kind of felt bad… I knew I had to do it. I couldn’t spend another minute with this man.

On the drive back to his house he made me feel terrible for having to leave. He told me that he waited to have lunch with me and now he was getting hungry and grumpy. My thoughts…”Not my problem!”

We said our goodbyes… I gave him a side hug, picked up my dog, and ran for my car. Being in my own personal bubble in my car never felt so amazing. I knew at this point, and long before the second date… I just wasn’t in to him.

He text me moments after leaving thanking me for wearing my yoga pants. I was disgusted and just wanted him to lose my number at this point. I text him back out of courtesy. I was very short and non-consistent with my texts that followed that evening and the next day.

I finally gathered the courage to tell Dr. Not So McDreamy that he was a really nice guy but my heart was somewhere else. I also told him I enjoyed his company (NOT!) and maybe we could hang out as friends in the future. I’m sure that he was taken back but wasn’t surprised as I became really distant.

I’ve realized that my core values are something that I’m not willing to compromise. I am so grateful that I had the courage to cut things off when I knew there was no future. I’m not looking for someone that has a mouth of a sailor and who doesn’t value my relationship with Christ. Also not looking for someone who makes uncomfortable sexual innuendos consistently.

Experiences like this allow me to continue to add to the “Things I’m not looking for” list.

Good grief….glad that one is over!

We’ve Got A Stage 5 Clinger…

stage five clinger; A member of the opposite sex that is likely to become overly attached, overly fast
I never knew it was possible to have a Stage 5 Clinger in your life without ever meeting face to face. Let me be the first to tell you, this is absolutely possible.

So I’m kind of getting the hang of this online dating. Someone shows interest through a message, wink, or like. You are either interested or nonresponsive. Majority of the time I am completely nonresponsive, as very few people have caught my attention. IF you are interested you respond. The process is as follows….Messages become exchanged first, then the exchange of phone numbers and text messages. IF you decide you’re intrigued a date is arranged.

My inbox is full and out of the 95 messages….two have caught my attention. Mr. Not So McDreamy and Mystery Man #2. Both dates we will visit in the next blog.

I have several men who have wrote me more than once, even with my lack of response. There is this one man who has been relentless…we will call him Stage 5 Clinger. Stage 5 had wrote 7 messages, one message a day. Every day he would go on and view my profile, like a picture, or send me a wink.

I had no idea it was possible to have a Stage 5 Clinger without ever interacting with the person. After his seventh message I had to respond.

My response, “After 3 (I meant 7) messages I would assume I’m not interested…”

He immediately responds back “Oh thanks for getting back to me. So what time works for you.”

I thought, is this guy serious? I had no other choice but to laugh.

There are some interesting individuals that populate the earth. I was lucky enough to be messaged…7 times, by one.

This experience, so far, has made me venture completely out of my comfort zone and interact with complete strangers. While I am currently experiencing an array of emotions on this process I am very grateful it has been entertaining.

Next up on the blog…Date #2 with Mr. Not So Mc Dreamy and Date #1 with Mystery Man #2.

The Big Red Gate…

Mr. McDreamy…or not so much?

After the date, Dr. McDreamy and I continued to text pretty regularly but after thinking intensively…I’m just not into him as much as I thought I would be. He is handsome, established in his career, witty, and charming. There is something lacking. Maybe I need to give it a second date before sabotaging it. Although to be honest…I really just think that I’m not into him.

Sabotage: a :  an act or process tending to hamper or hurt

I had to give a brief background of myself in “The One That Got Away” so you could relate to my future endeavours. I shamefully admit I am the Queen of Sabotaging my own dating relationships. Most of the time when things are going really well, I will look for something that bothers me. I am no psychologist, I do love to self diagnosis however, so I’m going call this “The Fence” mechanism. I create a barrier and only let men through my fence but never through the big red gate…my heart. I would never have admitted this 5 years ago when I was broken and discovering what it was to love again…and by love, I mean myself.

I have dated a few men in the past 5 years but truly only let one man through the gate. After it was all said and done I sabotaged that relationship too…I strung it along for much longer than it needed to be. I am however, completely grateful I listened to my heart and walked away from the relationship. I always live by my own saying “I would rather be single and independent then in a relationship where I’m not happy.”

After catching my best friend up on my feelings that preceded the date she responded with, ” You’re never into anyone. I just think you aren’t ready to date!!” On the contrary, I do believe I am ready to find “Mr. Right.” As pretentious as this may sound this situation has been a repetitive occurrence in my life.  Guy chases me…I run away. I don’t run because I am afraid to love again, I run because I know deep down in my heart they aren’t “the one.” Why waste their time or mine when I’m clear on how I feel?  I know I am ready to love again. I’ve learned to not just let any man through the big red gate. Entrance through the gate is a one way ticket that belongs to someone, not just anyone.

This brings to me to my next point. They say “When you know, you know.” I, at one point in my life, thought I knew.  That is what we call delusional. I hope and pray that one day I will look into my significant others eyes…And just know!

As the online dating continues, another gentleman has sparked my attention. We will call him Mystery Man #2. He is handsome, Christian, and goal driven. The first thing stated on his profile is how important his faith with the Lord is. Obviously that is HUGE to me. Also, if I could paint a picture of what I would want my “Mr. Right” to look like…this guy matches it perfect. I’m still remembering to not judge a book by it’s cover. He may appear to have all the bells and whistles but it’s not always cracked up to be until you meet in person!

As I type this I recive a text from Dr. McDreamy (or not so much?) asking “When can I see that adorable face of yours again?”

Over the years I’ve learned the difference between sabotaging and knowing what I want. I  have also learned to be cautious about who I  grant access to the fence area in my life because one day they may just be given the key to open the doors to the big red gate.

I’m not sure what the future holds…but I know it’s going to be exciting.

Date with…Dr. McDreamy

…After multiple texts Dr. McDreamy and I decided to meet for coffee at a cute local coffee shop Dr. McDreamy suggested. After a little thought Dr. McDreamy and I decided to change the location and meet at a quaint wine bar that I’ve always wanted to try.

I show up to the wine bar a few minutes early and wait in my car. By no means was I going to walk in and wait for him while everyone stares at our awkward blind date hug.

I see him pull up and  I immediately know it is him. Obviously. We have exchanged a few pictures back and forth.

He was tall and handsome. By the way he talked you could tell he grew up in the same town as I did…. He was down to earth which was refreshing. I’ve dated two other men in the medical field who both had an superiority attitude…Not attractive.

After a glass of wine and great conversation we decided to move our date to a different location where we could enjoy some food. As I was walking to my car we agreed that we take one car to the restaurant.

Dinner proceeded at a cute local hidden hot spot. Conversation never seized. Like I mentioned…I felt like I knew him before I met him which made the process easier. We discussed a multitude of topics over dinner and fortunately had very little awkward pauses in between. He did however mention that his friend participated in online dating and would blog about his experiences…Awkward.

We drove back to my car, hugged, and said goodnight. He asked me to text him to let him know I got home safely. I did.

This is where the not so fun part of dating comes in (even if you aren’t that intrigued)… The Unknown.

Does he want to see me again? I wonder what he thought of me?  The mind can control the heart in trying to determine how the other person perceived your interactions

Dr. McDreamy responds “Let’s hang out again soon. I had fun.” We exchanged a few more texts and then he writes…”I totally wanted to kiss you. Unlike me. My sister told me never to on the first date, I listen.”  I was shocked as moments before I wasn’t sure how he perceived his time spent with me. Trust me…I know I’m a firecracker and quite a lot of fun but even the best of us doubt at times. I told him I respected him for making that decision.  IF he would have kissed me on the first date, I’m not sure there would have been a second. Chivalry is not dead my friends!

So…will or will there not be a second date with Dr. McDreamy? Stay tuned!

Never Judge A Book By It’s Cover…

Day 2-3 – Overwhelmed yet intrigued…

Let me start this one off by saying…Anyone who is insecure or looking for attention, a dating site is just for YOU! I fortunately are neither of those and am more overwhelmed than flattered.

The last two days I have received a minimum of 30 emails a day and have had to set aside time to go through each one….This is becoming a part time job! After analyzing the several messages, hundreds of wink and likes,  I’ve decided this “project” is full of entertainment. To be blunt…A lot of these men look like they belong in Kentucky.

They say never judge a book by it’s a cover and on this journey I am constantly reminding myself of that. I was texting a friend yesterday who met the love of her life on a dating website. She said something that really resonated with me. “You just NEVER know who or what kind of person you will meet once the email screen has been taken out of the equation.”  Talk about the blinders being removed.

So that brings me to Mystery Man#1. He is one of the few who really sparked my attention.  After a few emails being exchanged, we then exchanged phone numbers to arrange a time to meet up.

A day later and hundreds of texts exchanged back and forth… I feel like I already know this guy without ever meeting him face to face. The tricky part is… it is extremely easy to sell yourself through text and pictures. It’s almost like this man is too good to be true. We grew up miles from each other, he’s a doctor and my degree is in Health and Wellness. The medical field has always fascinated me and I can’t wait to pick his brain.  The money means nothing to me…I am an independent, hard working woman, and I thrive off that. He is attractive, he owns a dog, has a love for animals and he is extremely witty (via text anyway ;)). The most important aspect is that he believes in God. I would never be able to jeopardize my beliefs for a relationship. God always comes first.

Normally I would be nervous to go on a date…a blind date at that. As of now, I feel confident about meeting up with this man. I’m interested to know if Dr. McDreamy is as dreamy as he has made himself out to be….

This is where “Don’t judge a book by it’s cover” comes into play but reverse. He may seem amazing on the surface but who knows how pure his heart is!

To be continued…. Date with Dr. McDreamy

The One That Got Away…

Thinking about this blog I felt like it was pertinent to give a brief background on myself….and my view on love.

As I look back on my life, there really wasn’t a point where I didn’t have a serious or long term boyfriend. Even though I never sought out relationships, they always seemed to land in my lap. 9 out of 10 times there was always a piece missing from the relationship,  now I look back the missing piece was ME!

I really needed to take the time to be alone…discover who I really was. This alone time has been filled with self discovery and finding out who God created me to be. It has allowed me to grasp, for the first time in my life, the true beauty of independence. Now I am to a point where I’m extremely independent which makes me nervous. I don’t NEED a significant other, it’s merely a WANT. I want to share this amazing life with someone that treasures it as much as I do.

Let’s reverse a few years to “The One Who Got Away”….

I’m pretty sure majority of us have felt the pain of a breakup. Let’s face it…it hurts, pretty much cuts you to the core…takes your breath away when you think of the pain you have experienced. I have experienced several break ups in my day but nothing comes close to this one.

We dated for 5 years, through some of the most difficult seasons of life. We experienced a lot of highs and a tremendous amount of lows, as we were partners in crime in all areas of life. He is the one who helped me when my family deserted me, the one who pushed me to graduate college…and the one who left my heart in a million pieces.

After spending our college years together he moved to a town far away in which I was to join him in when I graduated, 6 months after his departure. After spending 5 years of your life with someone you really do become one…or so you think? He moved and I still occupied “our” home. My phone calls stop being answered, texts messages constantly became ignored, and it’s like the one who I shared my whole life with almost became non-existent. He would still keep in contact but not as consistent as it had been for 5 years prior. We rented 2 homes together,  shared the love of 2 dogs, took many trips to Cabo and Colorado where we spent hours talking on our long drives. This person that I thought I knew better than myself slowly started to become a distant stranger. My heart still hurts as I type this, knowing that people come and go into our lives and the ones we thought would be a part of us “forever” are no longer a part of us… ever.

My college graduation approached and when he said he couldn’t make it deep down in my heart I thought he was going to surprise me with the biggest smile and a bouquet of my favorite flowers. Boy was I wrong. For this mans graduation I did everything, and by everything I mean the whole schabang. I took his photos for his graduation announcements, made the announcements, ordered the food to be catered, hosted the party, and cleaned it up. So for him to tell me he couldn’t make it, I really thought was a joke.  My graduation came and went and he never showed up.

The week after graduation I was in a major roll over accident and totaled my SUV. I wasn’t wearing a seatbelt and by the grace of God I walked away from the accident with bumps and bruises and a very sore back. The firefighters told me they had no idea how I walked away alive.

I got slapped with a dose of reality that day AND when I was least expecting it. I called pretty much every single person in my phonebook and told them what had happened and just wanted to tell them how much I loved them. He was on the list. For once he answered and we had a great conversation. At this point in my life, I have absolutely no idea what was going on in our “relationship.”

Fast forward to two weeks later, New Years Eve. I get a call from his phone number on my cell phone, which there was no question… I was going to answer it. He never called me at night anymore and I wanted to see what awaited me on the other line. To my surprise, or maybe not, there was a woman on the other end.

“Hello, who is this?” she asks.

“Uh…you’re the one who called me you should know. Who is this?”

“This is so and so’s girlfriend and why are you texting my boyfriend.”My heart sunk. If you can imagine an airplane plummeting to the ground, that was my heart….the life I had known for the last 5 years seemed so much of the past at this point. My heart, my past, my future, shattered in a million pieces… in the matter of a second, with words that cut me to the core.

“Um yeah…you’re going to need him to call me ASAP and discuss this.”

So…the next day he calls me on speakerphone with her, the new girlfriend, in the background. The conversation was a blur as was pretty much the next year . What I do remember is that he made up some manipulative lie which in turn made him look like the victor. As requested by his new girlfriend (now wife)…he deleted me off social media, out of his phonebook, and permanently out of his life. That’s the last I’ve heard of “The One That Got Away.”

I felt like this was a necessary piece to share as it really shaped who I am 6 years later. I don’t think I have ever experienced anything that hurt so deep. I experienced the pain when your heart physically hurts and there are days when you can’t breathe because you don’t know if you can live another minute.

Fast forward 6 years later…the broken woman that I once knew, who didn’t even know if she could make it through the day, stands strong and victorious and is becoming the woman that God created.

We all experience hurt. Most of us have experienced a heart wrenching break up…If you haven’t … you haven’t lived.

Looking back I know that God had me exactly where he wanted me. He didn’t want me to experience hurt or pain…He wanted me to experience independence and taking time to discover who I really was…not defined by another person.

It has been an interesting journey but I wouldn’t change it for anything.

I’ve learned a lot about who I am and the things I’m not willing to compromise. I have dated a few men since “The One Who Got Away” and they were great men, just not for me. I have faith that… the man who will hold my heart in the future… is most definitely waiting patiently for my arrival into his life as I am doing the same.

3 Important things I have learned with dating:

1) You should NEVER have to change who you are.God created you to be beautiful and unique, why should you change that?

2) It’s true…you must love yourself before anyone else can love you or invest into your soul.

3) Faith…Walking without seeing. There is nothing but greatness up ahead.

Love is an amazing emotion. It can encompass some amazing highs and extreme lows but I believe it to be one of the best parts of life that we are fortunate to experience.

This time around… I’m going to be brave.

Embarking on the adventure to find Mr. Right

“Say what you wanna say, and let the words fall out. Honestly I wanna see you be brave” – Sara Bareilles

So it begins…the world of online dating. Stepping out of my comfort zone and trying to be brave in doing so. I know several people who have been successful and with my lack of association with the opposite sex I figured why not? I’m in a new city, a new refreshing time in my life, and I ain’t getting any younger!

So by no means am I desperate to date, but eventually I would like to find “my other half or what they call soul mate” at some point in this life. Don’t get me wrong…I am very content where I am at. Sometimes I feel like I am almost “too” independent to let someone new in my life. Which is a topic within itself. I am not sure I’m ready to give up my “me” time. 

So here I am at age 31 knowing that God has someone amazing planned for me. The problem is…I am a homebody. I would rather stay in and eat chocolate and watch Netflix then go out and socialize and potentially find the man of my dreams. Let’s face it…I believe he will just appear one day in the grocery store or perhaps on my door step. With this being said I felt in my heart I needed to give it a try as a few other friends have married the love of their life from the same experience I am about to embark upon. This also  forces me to socialize with the opposite sex. Welcome to dating in 2015.

Day 1 begins… I let my two good friends (one who is married, the other one well on her way) in on the project I decided to embark upon. Both of them looked at each other and said I don’t think I have ever been asked out on a date. Well lucky them. Dating in 2015 is not easy nor fun…but this time around…I’m going to make it both!!

Their first response was that they wanted to see my profile.

This was entertaining to them, as it was for me too! They read my profile…decided on what I should take out and what I should add, what pictures they liked and which ones they feel like I needed to add. Next they wanted to scroll through all the different guys. Man…if I could share some pictures I sure would. All different types of men….men that were balding, others that weighed 300 lbs, some divorced with 2 children. We read through and chuckled at a few of them. They eventually found some guys that they thought I must reply to, such as Irishdoc, Suferroocowboy, and some others. So we sent a few winks for fun.

As I scroll through the 40 messages, 18 winks, 5 favorites and 467 views (all in less than 12 hours)…I’m quite overwhelmed. This is going to be more like a project than anything else…and I love me some projects.

I’m not sure what may come of this…I may have some interesting stories or I may just meet the man of my dreams, hey…ya never know. I actually know a few couples who are now married because they gave online dating a try. I’m writing this blog to take you on the adventure of being single at 31. There are some stories to be told…

Now begins the weeding through those who I actually may be interested in. I’m not sure if all woman get bombarded like this. You would think it would be flattering…it is more overwhelming than anything.

Stay tuned  for what is to come… Date 1 may be in the near future 😉

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Intuition; the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning

I started this blog 2 years ago with the intentions to exemplify the adventures of a single woman dating in her 30’s. I’ve had some interesting dates and met some unique men so I thought why not share these stories with the world!! I wanted to BE BRAVE and venture outside of my comfort zone…and that I did. 

Up until about 6 months ago I lived my life through a looking glass however my looking glass was far from clear, it was often foggy and distorted. I saw the things I wanted to, felt emotions I knew weren’t right, and lived in this unrealistic, fantasy “what if” world.  My friends stood on the sidelines and watch the person they love crumble in front of their very own eyes. I was living my life in a daze, merely going through the motions. I was involved in a broken, very toxic “kind of” on again/off again relationship. I can’t blame anyone but myself for staying around for 2 years…waiting, wishing and hoping this person I fell for would come to fruition. I loved and lost once again, but in the process I learned A LOT. I learned a lot about myself, I learned that sometimes it’s okay to throw your pride out the window and walk away. I think the most important lesson I learned was intuition, although intangible is REAL.

Intuition is the ability to understand something immediately, without the need for conscious reasoning. Know that you NEVER need a reason to walk away from something that doesn’t feel right.

As a true believer in spiritual gifts, I believe mine is intuition. However because we encompass a gift, it doesn’t necessarily mean we apply it or use it and that was my very unfortunate world.

Many times I found myself sitting in the bathtub or shower (that’s where my thoughts flow without distraction) asking myself why? Why I put myself in a situation that caused so much pain. The answer always came full circle…If I truly listened to my intuition, that feeling that usually always proves to be right, I wouldn’t be in half the situations I find myself in. The heart and mind are tricky, although in unison they are two completely different entities. For the future…the mind will always take precedent.

I’ve been on a handful of dates since that wild 2 year escapade and find myself listening to my intuition more so now than ever before. If I don’t feel it is right from the get go I’ve learned I’m not obligated to explain myself, I simply walk away.  Time is a valuable and because of that intuition is crucial.

I’ve learned a lot in 33 years and I’ve realized the most amazing life lessons are also the hardest. One life experience, one heartbreak, one celebration does not define you…Life is a compilation of multiple experiences, failures and successes and that’s what makes it exhilarating. I have so much to share and I can’t wait to let ya’ll in!

Next up… going on a blind date with “The Babysitters Dad”…